How Do I Hate the State of Washington? Let Me Count the Ways

The people of Washington like to position themselves as cosmopolitan sophisticates who are yet rugged enough for the great outdoors. That is patent bullshit. Once you get outside of Seattle (San Francisco for Dummies), the rest of the state is one big Riverside County, a bunch of rednecks who are in the habit of giving aid and comfort to rightwing wackos. Think of it as Arkansas without the accent.

Thursday, there was a relatively gusty windstorm with shortlived severe rainfall. No big deal for those of us from California, who have seen this before. That also rarely impacts the power grid in the Golden State. The longest power failure I have ever experienced was during the Northridge quake, which was in the 7.0 range, when we didn't have electricity for all of about three hours.

Unfortunately, Washington's infrastructure is rather fragile, as this report will show. So not only did the power go out twice for extended periods, but my cable and broadband connections disappeared for a day and a half. Thank you Comcast, you fucking assholes.

This isn't the first time that we have experienced this stuff when the wind gets up around 40mph, something that happens in California with the infamous brushfire aiding Santa Anas. Thank the deity of your choice that we don't have hurricanes or tornadoes here. We would be left with something resembling what Iraqis are now dealing with.

Which has spurred me to enumerate why if you are contemplating moving to this joke of a state you should think twice:

1). The women are absolute beasts. Maybe because I grew up around hot surfer babes in southern California I am spoiled, but shit, I haven't seen this much white trash in my life. Half of them look like they are addicted to meth and yet are still fat. WTF? Plus most of them sport ugly tattooes. Sorry, but I like women who don't look like longshoremen.

And if that weren't enough, single motherhood is a plague here, as every girl over the age of 20 has already popped one out and is either on food stamps or WICK until the lazy cunt can sucker some poor soul into knocking her up again so he can have the pleasure of financing her lifestyle. Washington chicks are nasty. Stay away from them. Date foreign women instead.

2). This state hates men. Anyone who gets married here is an outright fool. The system is so rigged for an easy payday for any lazy ass bitch that wants one. For example, let's say you start dating a single mother. There is actually a law in Washington that says that if you have been with her more than six months a judge can rule that her kid has bonded with you and badda bing badda boom, you are on the hook for child support even though you are not the biological father. The Washington bar is chock a block with feminazi judges and their pussywhipped male sympathizers. Every male has a bullseye painted on his back here.

3). In addition to the weakness of the power grid and lack of resiliency in the product supplied by the broadband providers, you can pretty much hear the roads chewing up your tires as you drive over them they are in such bad shape. Which provokes me to observe....

4). The road system was designed by George W. Bush. Okay, Bush would have trouble finding the ends of a straight line, but you would not believe how asymmetrical the roads are. You're tooling down the road and you miss your offramp, so you think, "no big deal, I'll just hit the next ramp and then get back on the freeway toward my destination." Much too logical. You might have to go miles and struggle to figure out where the signs are attempting to point you to because of where they just seemingly stick them up with no mind that real motorists need to use them. For tourists, Washington is hell to navigate. Sincerely, the folks who assembled the road system were sucking down doses of microdot while they were in the planning stages.

In addition, when you are driving down a road and don't make the turn when you need to you might not be able to do a u-turn to head back for several miles. It is unbelievable. You have to see it to believe it, but bring blood pressure medicine with you. And tourists, just go somewhere else. There isn't that much to see here anyway. And if you don't get to those sites early enough there will be no place to park. It's a fucking nightmare.

5). You think radio is generally bad pretty much everywhere (it is), but radio in Washington is flat unlistenable. The one saving grace is a sports station that is semi-decent, which makes it well ahead of sports talk in L.A., which is is an absolute joke.

6). Drunken driving and meth use rates you would not believe. This has made Tacoma, for example, one of the highest crime cities in the entire west. Plus we seem to have more serial killers per capita than anywhere else.

7). High food prices.

8). The freeway speed limit is 60mph and the highest street limit is 40mph. Yep, you guessed it, that is designed to drive up the rate of ticketed speeding violations. The Washington state patrol isn't so much about public safety as it is preoccupied shaking down the public.

9). The music that made the state famous most recently was grunge, but it perhaps should have been dubbed "dinge," because the entire state seems enveloped in a shroud of it. The state motto should be, "everything moldier than everything else."

10). Idiot governors. Gary Locke, a Chinese-American Democrat, actually thought, and I quote, that farming out some of the state's welfare bureaucracy to India, no, not Indiana, but the land of the Taj Mahal, "was a good bargain for taxpayers."

Then when he left, we got man hating psycho bitch Christine Gregoire to front for the Democrats, which made me seriously contemplate voting Republican for the first time in my life. Until the GOP, bless their black hearts, put airheaded dickface Dino Rossi. So I voted for the psycho bitch because at least she kind of has a brain. Instead, I refused to vote for another conniving misandryst (that is to men what misogyny is to women), Deborah Senn, for state Attorney General. I left my ballot blank in that race because Rob McKenna was just another GOP ubertwat. Voters didn't like Senn, either, and so McKenna, who is a douchebag, is now making the state's law enforcement decisions.

11). There are no jobs here. Well, at least if you want to make a real living. Your basic choices are the government, Boeing, fast food or retail. That is it. The logging industry is about dead and you have to be connected to get a job at the ports.

12). If you want to be invasively interrogated by customs coming back from overseas, fly into Sea-Tac, which has the surliest agents I have ever run across and they ask questions that are none of their fucking business. If you remember recent reports about how foreign tourists don't feel welcome in the U.S. well, Sea-Tac is one reason why.

That is exacerbated by the high rate of baggage theft (piece of advice: don't ever fly Alaska) and the fact that the airport itself is an architectural monstrosity.

13). Next to NYC, the rudest place I have ever been is Washington. In L.A., people might not like you but at least they can fake being nice. At least when they don't ignore you or choose to whip out a pistol and plug you. But in Washington, it seems like everybody here is looking for some kind of confrontation. It could be that they are angry about being forced to spend all their lives here or they're agitated because they haven't had their daily meth or crack yet. This whole state needs anger management courses.

Now you may be asking why don't I move. I would. But going back to California is more expensive than I can handle. Housing is still relatively reasonable (provided that you want to live at least an hour away from Seattle) and I own my house free and clear thanks to California housing prices compared to here.

So those of you still in California, stay put or you will be sorry. Washington is a shithole. The tv show Frazier ostensibly took place in Seattle but it was shot in L.A. Think about why that may be. A lot of California's problems can be cleared up by dealing honestly and decisively with the illegal immigration issue. Washington is beyond hope.